Now.

 

I am terrified to lift a prayer to Heaven and 

have my hands swatted down

 

again.

 

There are people who have no idea I moved to Atlanta to pursue acting. 

People who have no idea I moved back to Tampa after being furloughed from a $12/hr job it took me a month and a half to get. 

 

Attached myself to some talented kids in hopes their success would wash onto me

and I wouldn’t be a 

complete 

failure.

 

PTSD of overdraft fees,

$5 paying for $4 gas keeping 

me                           from                                                                         full time art.

 

Apprehension breathing fire down my back.

 

Like this poetry will keep me fed 

but stuck in the hood. 

 

Choking on the dust of my former self like 

“Where the time go?”

Worrying what the hell ima do next like 

“Where my mind go?”

 

Blinked and found out I’m the cycle! 

Just another 

not working in the field their degree is in.

Blinked and found out I’m the nightmare! 

Just another 

that says he gon be a star.

 

Too weak 

to rebuild a broken world.

Even for myself.

 

I’ve been seasick

speaking to kids about following their dreams. 

Promising them a new world I’ve only seen in wasted ambition. 

How can I teach them to get anywhere when I’m still stuck in my hometown? 

Captain of a ship that never left the dock 

but still 

somehow 

went under. 

Sinking day by day and calling it “the grind”. 

 

Like people can’t see through my bullshit. 

 

They don’t have to be disappointed in me. 

I’m disappointed in myself. 

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