I owe you a poem.

One that is not an apology.

 

I am not sure anyone truly knows what to do when forever knocks on their door.

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It’s occurring to me, neither of us were ready to love each other.

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Stumbling over this new language of affection.

Two dialects colliding in conversation.

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I didn’t know how to tell you how beautiful you were.

Too busy holding my breath. Checking my pulse. Pinching myself.

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Nobody ever held me before.

Nobody ever kissed me before.

Nobody ever chose me before

you.

 

You knew you wanted me before I knew I could be wanted.

 

How we’d lay in the grass for hours, no money in our pockets, and just laugh.

I understood a sacred thing must be handled with care.

Didn’t want to rush or stain or drop.

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You called me your safety.

We created a world neither of us knew how to live in yet.

I told myself I would always say yes.

Answer every call. Every text. Yes, to every date, plan, dream.

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Sorry for the cliché but my head was literally spinning.

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I couldn’t think of how to give you the world fast enough.

Couldn’t be the perfect that you saw fast enough.

I was so scared you’d see what everyone else sees and choose someone else too.

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But instead of spending this poem telling you I’m sorry

I’ll use it to say all the things I should’ve said:

 

You are so beautiful.

I love your laugh. All your jokes are funny.

I love holding your hand while driving. The only reason I let go is because I get scared I’ll crash.

I’d take pictures of us just to go back and remind myself this was real.

When I went quiet, I was telling myself to be grateful.

To thank God.

To stand here and feel this love with you.

I spent nights sitting in bed planning on how I’d introduce you to my family.

Or when would be the right time to let you hang with my friends.

I wanna slow dance with you somewhere.

And feel every Florida homophobic eye lock on us as we forget the world and fall into each other.

I wanna fall into you again and again.

 

I wanted to do this right with you because I’ll never find something like this again.

 

Maybe we’re not meant to end up together.

Maybe we were sent to remind each other who we both are.

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They say nothing ever stays,

but I believe you were worth wishing for.

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I’m not ready to let you go.