Voice In My Head

"Tired of walking under your rain cloud."

My mind ain’t always my friend.

A haunted house of smoke and mirrors.

Familiar faces with razor sharp teeth

make me second guess love I already have.

My therapist tells me feelings aren’t fact.

So, I become a warden.

Interrogate every emotion at gunpoint.

Because what is anything without proof?

In my life, I’m an unreliable narrator.

My trauma is polite.

Never kicks in the door. Most times you won’t even know it’s in the room.

You don’t always see the disease, but you see the

Insomnia

My mama has stories of kid me waking the family up at 5am

because I was excited for the day.

I have memories of me crying at her bedroom door at 5am because I was terrified.

Up from one to six listening to my spirit argue with itself.

Hoping my shadow doesn’t get close enough to strangle me

but if anybody asks, I’m a morning person.

Living in fabricated quicksand.

An irrationality that makes me impossible to love.

Most the time I be thinking I’m safe

but you are your worse enemy.

My trauma be making things shape shift.

Independence and isolation look identical.

Silence and tension are twins.

My sanity be a sick game of telephone.

You don’t always see the disease, but you feel the

Anxiety.

Be like, "Say yes to every feature! Who knows when you gon book another one." or

"Where your music at boy?? You can’t call yourself a musician with no music."

"Why ain’t you famous yet? Beyoncé had her first album at 18. Lorde was winning Grammys at 16."

"30 almost here and you ain’t even got an apartment."

"Time to hang up this art shit."

Still dreaming but ain’t got no money.

Still grinding but ain’t got no money.

The voice in my head is so loud and familiar.

My soul says its tired

and I say we just slept.

My heart says it’s breaking

and I say where’s your proof?

My mind say I ain’t good enough

and I say jinx…

Who’s gonna tell me that it's just me?

Polluting the water I drink.

Who’s gonna save me from me?

Ruining relationships.

Pickpocketing my peace.

And I don’t wanna be my own best friend because who wanna be around somebody they can’t trust?

So I fight

and I fight some more!

I know that feelings aren’t facts.

You can’t always believe everything you hear.

Even if it comes from your own mouth.

So, e very time I feel like I failure, I ask myself my proof?

Is it the two books I self-published or that instead of 4 years I got my degree in 3?

Because that sound like success to me.

When I feel like I can’t make it, I say I already did.

I cried my way into a poetry career.

Committed to my art instead of committing suicide.

When my mind say, I’m slipping

I say "watch your mouth."

I’m my worse enemy but also my biggest fan.

And last time I checked I’m still in demand.

Them voices be loud, but my actions be louder.

You don’t always see the growth, but you will feel the greatness.