You tell me everything is okay.

Try to wrap your arms around my racing pulse.

 

Say "You always care." but

the stonehenge in my chest remains.

 

I don’t know what to believe.

 

My anxiety tells me you don’t.

And it talks to me more frequently than you ever do.

Sits next to me consistently.

Right there on the days where all I want is a text from you.

 

You remind me of my dad.

He only messages me on Instagram even though we've had the same numbers for 8 years.

He used to rap back in the day.

Sometimes he'll comment on my poetry,

as to say "You got that from me."

                          

It’s considered rude for people to tell you they don’t give a fuck

but they’ll always show you.

 

I have your number favorited and not my dad’s.

Neither of you reach out.

 

He tells me, "He be busy."

You tell me, "Give you grace."

​

That life be life-ing.

​

And has been since I was

6 years old...

​

My dad and I never talked about if he wanted me as a son.

I let his actions speak.

 

We have never really talked about how much I love you.

​

Love is a finite resource and

I take it when I can get it.

​

A simple “Hi. How are you” can be overwhelming when you’re juggling everything else more important.

​

I still smile at your texts the same way I do his.

Rare things are supposed to be valuable, right?

​

Sometimes I wonder if I whispered your name into the mirror three times

would you appear.

He never did.

​

When I was still in elementary school my mom told me

“Your daddy loves you. He’s just, scared of you.

​

You say "You just have a lot on your mind."

​

I don't know what to believe. 

​

Because dad has 40k Instagram followers who seem to always know where he is.

And every time I talk to our friend

they always seem to know where you are.

​

Now I’m wondering how many times someone can forget about me

before I stop existing to them.

​

I lose sleep at night worrying your happiest breaths come from being out of my orbit.

Do your nightmares include me the way my dreams

include you?

​

My friends tell me I chase unavailability.

Now I know what they mean.

​

Redialing people that slipped out of my life by accident but stayed out of my life on purpose.

I ration love from 2019 text messages.

Assign a busy tone over absence.

​

When dad says he loves me I think he means “at six years old”.

When you say you care I think you mean “you don’t want to hurt my feelings”.

​

Because if y'all wanted to you would.

But when our love goes missing, I'm the only one looking for it.

​

So comfortable burying me beneath each sunset.

But the gaps in our relationship are growing bigger than the memories.

​

I get scared that I'll never hear from you again.

but what scares me worse is when I stop noticing.

​

When I won’t be able to tell if you got a haircut. Or a new shirt.

When your birthday no longer appears on my calendar.

​

One day I’ll say I love you

and mean a person I haven’t seen in years.